And Another Thing!
Anthony Apruzzese
Issue date: 5/2/07 Section: Opinion
I knew I wasn't the most menacing guy in the world when this sentence came out of my mouth at the grocery store, "Oh my God, they changed the Herbal Essences bottle?!"
Yeah, that happened. Some old lady wheeled her cart right by me and gave me the look of death. Whatever,
she obviously doesn't appreciate silky smooth hair with a robust fruit smell as much as I do.
I evaluate my life a lot and I come off as a guy who is very...harmless. I can't help it, it's just the way I am. I mean, my favorite shirt has a cartoon
drawing of a prehistoric herbivore, yes, the brontosaurus. That's about the least tough dinosaur ever, even the Stegosaurus had huge plates on his back, protecting him from large predators. What does a brontosaurus have? Nothing! A giant neck so he could eat hard to reach leaves. Ugh, so not tough.
I have a $100 umbrella. Even holding an umbrella is the least tough thing you can do; spending $100 on it
because "you liked the way the handle felt", is straight up pansy. You can't look tough while holding an umbrella, go ahead try (I have.) Imagine, you're with a group of your friends, you're holding onto your umbrella, and a group of ruffians come by. They want
to fight you and you get mad. What do you say? "Somebody better hold on to my umbrella!" Wrong, umbrellas equal not tough.
My nose bleeds all the time. Having a nosebleed is only cool if you got punched in the face; having one because the weather changed is horribly uncool. My friends get mad at me too, as if I am doing it on purpose. "You got another nose bleed? Why do you always do that?" Because I am addicted. You just can't imagine the rush you get when you get a nosebleed in the back of your car. It's unbelievable.
I was thinking, maybe I could turn all these lame things around into tough things. Like maybe I'll pay someone off at the Smithsonian and have them say they uncovered some fossils of new brontosauruses (brontosauri? Syllabi?) These fossils prove that brontosauruses had the ability to morph into other animals and shapes to confuse their predators. Perhaps my $100 umbrella can give me the ability to fly! No, not like Mary Poppins, more like Anthony Apruzzese Umbrella Bounty Hunter. As for nosebleeds, I'll have to lie to everyone and tell them I have been in a plethora of fights as of late.
Yeah, that happened. Some old lady wheeled her cart right by me and gave me the look of death. Whatever,
she obviously doesn't appreciate silky smooth hair with a robust fruit smell as much as I do.
I evaluate my life a lot and I come off as a guy who is very...harmless. I can't help it, it's just the way I am. I mean, my favorite shirt has a cartoon
drawing of a prehistoric herbivore, yes, the brontosaurus. That's about the least tough dinosaur ever, even the Stegosaurus had huge plates on his back, protecting him from large predators. What does a brontosaurus have? Nothing! A giant neck so he could eat hard to reach leaves. Ugh, so not tough.
I have a $100 umbrella. Even holding an umbrella is the least tough thing you can do; spending $100 on it
because "you liked the way the handle felt", is straight up pansy. You can't look tough while holding an umbrella, go ahead try (I have.) Imagine, you're with a group of your friends, you're holding onto your umbrella, and a group of ruffians come by. They want
to fight you and you get mad. What do you say? "Somebody better hold on to my umbrella!" Wrong, umbrellas equal not tough.
My nose bleeds all the time. Having a nosebleed is only cool if you got punched in the face; having one because the weather changed is horribly uncool. My friends get mad at me too, as if I am doing it on purpose. "You got another nose bleed? Why do you always do that?" Because I am addicted. You just can't imagine the rush you get when you get a nosebleed in the back of your car. It's unbelievable.
I was thinking, maybe I could turn all these lame things around into tough things. Like maybe I'll pay someone off at the Smithsonian and have them say they uncovered some fossils of new brontosauruses (brontosauri? Syllabi?) These fossils prove that brontosauruses had the ability to morph into other animals and shapes to confuse their predators. Perhaps my $100 umbrella can give me the ability to fly! No, not like Mary Poppins, more like Anthony Apruzzese Umbrella Bounty Hunter. As for nosebleeds, I'll have to lie to everyone and tell them I have been in a plethora of fights as of late.
Be the first to comment on this story